Legal Limbo: Emilia Hires A Lawyer
Genre: fiction
Themes: satire, lawyers, neurodiversity, self-awareness, stereotypes, and gender biases
Dedication: This fictional short story is dedicated to the lawyers of the world who choose to be like Jack and John. In a world full of assholes, we thank and appreciate those lawyers who choose to be kind and approachable.
Legal Notice: While the following short story was inspired by real life, no real names or facts have been used to protect the not-so-innocent.
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There was often humor in the contrast between Emilia's sassy and sarcastic internal thoughts and her outward struggle to articulate herself coherently. You see, Emilia was autistic. For as long as she could remember, Emilia felt as if her speaking and thinking worlds lived in consistent juxtaposition*.
*Juxtaposition: The fact of two things being seen or placed close together with contrasting effect.
Image by Sophie Hardy, Juxtaposition In Interior Design.
At the time of this story, Emilia had finally decided to pursue a lifelong dream of owning her own business. After much research and thought, she decided to manage the entire business herself, but she needed to outsource taxes and legal paperwork or contracts. Eventually, she realized she wanted to invest in hiring a lawyer to file any documents correctly and to receive expert advice for starting her business right.
As she scrolled through online listings on the Avvo website, which had an infinite list of lawyers, the algorithm suggested a John Smitd to her first.
Oh, yay, yet another white dude. No, thank you. Aren't there any lawyers of color here? Or, a woman. Yes, that's it. I want to hire a woman lawyer because male lawyers will likely be worse or meaner. Maybe women lawyers will be nicer.
Enter Lawyer 1: Connie Buchanan
Emilia never heard back from Connie despite leaving 1 voicemail and 1 email inquiry.
Enter Lawyer 2: Stephanie Bolters
Emilia never heard back from Stephanie despite leaving 1 voicemail and 1 email inquiry.
Enter Lawyer 3: Janice Lutz
Emilia received Janice's voicemail: "This is Janice Lutz with the King Law Firm. I wanted to return your call and let you know I don't take that type of task up. Honestly, I don't think I'm the right lawyer for you. But the good news is you don't need a lawyer; you can file everything yourself. All right? Thank you."
I see the universe has decided to impart upon me a valuable lesson about looking beyond my gender biases and stereotypes. Ok. It looks like I'm calling men lawyers next.
Enter Lawyer 4: Daniel Hammond
"Good morning, Emilia! This is Daniel Hammond, and I want to thank you for scheduling a call with our firm. What questions did you have for me today in this discovery call? Just a reminder that the initial free consultation does have a hard stop at 20 minutes, and any minutes past that will be billed at the firm's hourly rate," the voice oozed lavishly.
Oh god. This one sounds expensive.
"Yes, ok, thank you for your time today!” Emilia started. “I was wondering if I could use this time to ask if you can confirm the required documents or paperwork a local business in Seattle has to file. I want to hire a lawyer to help me, so I can be 100% sure that I'm doing all my business paperwork correctly."
"Honestly, that's not the kind of work I do. My firm handles... different... sorts of clients. And I want to be transparent that hiring me will cost at least $700 an hour. You really don't even need me. You can file all your paperwork yourself; you don't need a lawyer. Just google it, and I'm sure you can figure it out. You just need to have more confidence in yourself."
Did he really just... Woooowza.
"Sure. I have been googling a lot and trying to figure it out, but I still can't. That is why I'm trying to find a lawyer who doesn't mind doing business paperwork. Since we still have 16 minutes left in our call, can we use this time for you to please confirm the specific documents a new business owner should file in the state of Washington?" Emilia persisted.
"I mean... I don't know that I can list them at the top of my head. Don't you know of any yourself?"
The way this call is going, this guy should be paying me for wasting my time.
"I believe I need [lists 3-4 document names]... but..."
"See? It looks like you already got it all figured out. You don't need me; you'll be fine."
Fuck you too. She rolled her eyes with a force that should have given her whiplash. “Ok. Thank you for your time.”
Enter Lawyer 5: Just Jack
"This is Jack," a booming voice stopped short, and an awkward silence began.
Wait. What. That's it? What did he even say!? He did say Jack, right? Omg, I'm actually not even sure. Why would he answer the phone that way?! Why would any lawyer not identify themselves more clearly, like 'Hello, this is so-and-so from BLAH BLAH Law Firm'?
"Umm.. hello? Yes? Sorry, who is this? Sorry! Did you say, Jack?" Even though her mind rarely ceased rambling at a hundred miles an hour, her ability to speak out loud was glitching yet again. She was sure her awkward speech made her sound like a child. And what lawyer will take seriously a grown woman who sometimes can't speak words out loud?
"That's me!" The booming voice stopped short again, and a second reign of awkward silence took over.
"So... you're Jack, the owner, right? Umm.. I mean... sorry, I just... Oh. Sorry, I... I can't... I'm trying to say words out loud, but I'm not used to talking to lawyers at all, and I can tell I am being so awkward!"
"Oh, there's no reason to feel awkward at all. Why don't you tell me the reason you called? What's on your mind?" his booming voice softened down and helped her stop overthinking.
Wow, he sounds so nice! I really thought he would get annoyed and think I was stupid. Ok. I can do this! I. Can. Speak. Words. Out. Loud.
"I've been trying for over a year to open a business. But, every time I start, I stop at the same step. I can't understand all the correct legal paperwork or special documents I may need to file. I have tried to figure it out on my own, but I always get confused at some point and can't finish. So I decided I need to hire an actual lawyer to file whatever is needed because then it will definitely get done, and I will know for sure that I did everything correctly."
"I see. I don't usually provide that service to my clients. I mean, I can certainly do it; it'll be pretty simple and fairly quick for me. It will take me a few hours, and I charge a rate of $380 an hour. Can you handle that price point? What rate were you hoping for?"
Ooof. $380? If only it were just a liiiiitle bit less. Ay ay ay, I'm so tired of calling lawyers, I just wanna get this over with.
"Oh. Well... honestly, I don't know what rate I'm expecting. This is the first time I have hired a lawyer, and I have no idea how much a lawyer should cost."
"I think you’ll find that my rates are pretty standard. I'm happy to write you a formal quote and itemize the documents needed. I can email it to you, or you can email me first and remind me we spoke on the phone today."
"Thank you so much for your time and for being patient! I was so nervous. Ok. To be honest, I want to call a few more numbers and see if I can find a lawyer willing to work with me at a little less. I'm not rich, so I'm not 100% sure I can hire you. I should probably try to find someone a little cheaper."
"Not a problem. Have a good day. If you email me, I'll gladly help you."
"Thank you so much! Ok. Goodbye."
Enter Lawyer 6: John Smitd
Emilia was getting discouraged. Wearily, she opened the Avvo website again to look for another lawyer to call. To her surprise, the website algorithm immediately suggested the John Smitd lawyer to her yet again. She decided she had nothing to lose and left him a voicemail.
Before Emilia could blink twice, her phone rang with a text. "Hi! This is John Smitd. Can you do a call today around 4pm?"
"Yes, I can! Thank you." Emilia texted back with relief.
A few hours later, her phone rang at 4pm as planned, and she answered.
"Hi! This is John Smitd, Principal Attorney at Smidt Firm..." This voice sounded oddly energetic and upbeat.
SEE!!! I KNEW IT. What lawyer doesn't identify themself CLEARLY on a call to remove any possible confusion? At least with this guy, I know who the fuck I'm talking to.
"How are you? You left me such a nice message!"
His voice drowned into the background as a new internal anxious ramble began. I did? I left a nice message? I don't remember saying anything particularly nice. What could I have possibly said that sounded that nice? Maybe I said, "Good morning" or, "Have a nice day"?
"... You know, it's so nice to talk to real human beings! You wouldn't believe how many scammers I get about fake trust funds."
She noticed her breathing was calming down as her anxiety subsided. This lawyer guy talks like... a normal person. Although, he sounds way too cheerful. I suppose I shouldn’t hold that against him. I think I could be more coherent and capable of speaking out loud with this one. Maybe this is the lawyer I should try to hire. I wonder how much he costs.
"...and where did you find my information?"
"Oh... The Avvo website, I think?"
"Thank you! So, tell me more about your business. What are you trying to do?"
Her tongue untwisted itself to her surprise, and she could speak words out loud, unlike the previous half a dozen lawyers she'd attempted to speak with. "I've been dreaming of starting my service dog tactical gear shop for years. I have identified a manufacturer to work with me to produce my dog's tactical gear designs in mass production. I will handle the rest of the business, so I am not hiring any staff yet."
"That's great! I can definitely help you with that. That sounds like a legitimate business; it doesn't sound like you're doing anything weird..."
What? Why would I be doing something weird?
"... and how much do you plan on making with this business?"
"My goal is to make about $15,000 to $35,000 in the first year. Eventually, I want this to be a 5 or 6 figure business. But I mean, that's my hope; I don't know how it will go!"
"Yeah, that makes sense. I think you're being very realistic. So, my rate is $355 an hour. Will that work for you?"
Ouch. I knew this was going to be an investment, but wow, reality checks suck. At least $355 is still $25 cheaper than the Nice But Slightly Startling Booming Voice Lawyer. And it's absofuckinglutely cheaper than Esquire I'm Too Important To Handle Your Baby Business Queries But Happy To Charge You $700+ An Hour.
"Yes!" she accidentally yelled into the phone, then promptly mentally slapped herself, realizing her voice had screeched louder than was earthly necessary. "I mean... yes." She added in a whisper.
"Great! If I can get your email and name, I'll send you my quote for you to review. How does that sound?"
"Yes! Ok. Thank you so much!"
Wow, I think I can do this. I’m going to run my own business!
