Connection Beats Control: Gentle Parenting in Dog Training

Traditional parenting often relies on punishment and reward systems, instilling a mindset of submission early on. It has lasting effects, leaving adults who struggle to make independent decisions or manage their emotions effectively. Emphasizing compliance over emotional understanding fails to equip children with essential self-regulation skills, leading to challenges in adulthood. 

Gentle parenting is a parenting style that focuses on empathy, respect, and understanding to help children become more aware of their actions. It encourages a partnership between parent and child, using democratic methods like communication and connection to make decisions together as a family.

But what does gentle parenting have to do with dogs?

Gentle parenting in dog training methodologies

In dog training, there was once a widespread belief that dominance-based methods were essential to establishing human ("alpha") leadership in the home. Thankfully, scientific understanding has debunked this notion. Today, most dog training communities focus on balanced training, positive reinforcement, and force-free techniques.

Balanced Training incorporates a mix of positive reinforcement for desired behaviors and corrections (like leash adjustments or verbal cues) for undesired behaviors. It aims to foster leadership and obedience by balancing rewards and consequences.

Positive Reinforcement Training centers on rewarding desired behaviors with treats, praise, or play to encourage the dog to repeat those actions. It emphasizes building a strong bond between human guardians and dogs through positive interactions and experiences.

Force-free training is grounded in modern behavioral science. It emphasizes the avoidance of physical or psychological intimidation. It employs positive reinforcement and a deep understanding of canine behavior to effectively teach desired behaviors and address problematic ones.

Gentle parenting techniques enhance the bond between dogs and their human guardians because they promote emotional well-being and reduce stress for dogs.

Difficulties in gentle parenting with dogs

Choosing a gentle parenting lifestyle is hard because it requires self-discipline and re-parenting yourself. You have to put in the work – commit to therapy, recognize your triggers, and prioritize your emotional health. Opting for a completely different approach from how you were raised often feels like cognitive dissonance hell. 

Yet, it is ultimately your decision. You get to choose how you live your life; you're an adult now. You get to choose a new path that aligns with your values. You get to choose a better path for yourself and your loved ones. It really does get better.

Being patient and empathetic with our dogs is hard. However, anything worth pursuing involves hard work!

Applying gentle parenting techniques with dogs

No doubt this last header is a topic you probably never thought you'd find yourself reading about! Still, I'm so glad to have your attention. I appreciate you.   

The following are some ways I've thought to adapt gentle parenting techniques with my dogs. Folks from the positive training community may even feel this is something they similarly apply. Perhaps some may find it "silly" to apply this topic to animals, but I lovingly challenge you– why are animals less deserving of emotional care than humans? Every living being deserves to feel emotionally safe, balanced, and healthy. 

Responding to your dog's deeds

Some days, it's hard to take care of your own needs plus the needs of a whole other living being – human children or dogs, as the case may be!

Dog's needs vary based on individual personality, temperament, and preferences. For example, a reactive dog that struggles around the presence of any other dog will be miserable if you force it to join you on popular hiking grounds crowded with dogs and even off-leash dogs. Vice versa, a dog who is friendly and enthusiastic around new people or dogs will not thrive in isolation. 

Additionally, dog's needs vary in different situations or contexts. My Canela is petrified of fireworks, so I already know how to prepare for today. Since my other dog seems to ignore firework noises oddly enough, I place him in his crate with a long-lasting treat to chew. Then I will take Canela upstairs into my bedroom, close the door, and throw kibble on the floor to distract her into hunting down all the scattered kibble pieces. Once she finishes the kibble scatter, I will give her a long-lasting chew too, because chewing will also help distract her mind from the scary firework noises. I will also have to play calming white noise music for her in the room because that always helps her relax.

Setting boundaries with dogs

Setting boundaries helps set up your dogs for success. They can relax because they feel confident in understanding their place in our community.

Dogs can understand room and threshold boundaries. When I need to cook or clean my kitchen, my dogs understand they must hang out in the living room only until I release them. When I open the front door to get a package or the patio door to our yard, my dogs understand that an open door is not equivalent to being allowed to go outside – my dogs know they must be given a verbal or hand gesture command to release them outside the door. 

Dogs can respect others and understand individual dogs' and people's boundaries. I prefer space during meal times and ask my dogs to leave the dining room entirely. I have friends who don't like being licked, and my dogs can tell they prefer other forms of affection.

Dogs can adapt. They understand that other people's houses or outside places they visit have unique rules and boundaries they must follow. My dogs understand that at friends' houses, they are only allowed to hang out in the person's living room unless otherwise invited by the host. My dogs understand that the vet's office or your local dog-friendly coffee shop is not the park where they can run wild zoomies. 

Talk your dog through their emotions when upset

I don't always do a good job with this one, which makes me profoundly grateful I don't have human children (yet). Lordy. 

Some may think it's silly to worry about the "emotions" of an animal, but again, I ask– why are animals less deserving of emotional care? Since dogs have the approximate emotional intelligence of a 2 or 4-year-old human child, I structure my talks about their emotions accordingly. I think of how I would communicate feelings with a toddler or a 4-year-old human, then apply the strategy to the context at bay with my dogs. 

For example, my male doberman is a teenager as of this writing; "Plethora of Opinions" is his first, middle, and last name! When he has opinions to share, it's better for both our sanities when I listen and try to guide him through his emotions. Here's a sample conversation we've had MULTIPLE times:

Plethora of Opinions: Whines.

Quetzalli: "Yes, you're hungry. It's almost time for breakfast, I'm still finishing cooking your breakfast."

Plethora of Opinions: Humphs. Groans dramatically.

Quetzalli: "I know, I'm sorry it's taking so long. Please, Quetzalli needs you to help her with patience."

Plethora of Opinions: Manages to yawn and whine dramatically. Spins around and humphs. Sits down, stalking my every move with his intense eyes for the next 30 seconds without blinking.

Quetzalli: Yay! Look, breakfast is ready! Want breakfast now? Yes?! LET'S GOOO!"

Plethora of Opinions: Jumps a mile high (he IS a Doberman, people!), spins around three times, jumps a mile high again, then sits with anticipation to be released for food.

Offering your dog options of what they can do instead of just saying no

I have a truly lovely neighbor who always smiles, greets me with the utmost friendliness, and waves when we run into each from afar. My truly lovely neighbor has a truly scary dog (well, to me!) that always yowls, lunges at me, and barks with rage at my dogs.  For the longest time, Canela would look distressed and run in panic back to me but not bark or engage with the neighbor's dog. But one day, even sweet Canela broke; she was done taking shit lying down. Unfortunately, this now means I must always scan the outside to check the "scary" neighbor dog is not in sight before I can safely let Canela out to do her business in the yard. Otherwise, Canela will now yowl and bark as fiercely as she can at the neighbor's dog. 

I used to react to Canela's actions with complete and utter panic, "CANELAAA, NO! NO! NO! MUY MAL! STOP! LEAVE IT!!! LEAVE IIIIIIIIT!!!" Now, I holler enthusiastically, "CANELAAA, do you want peanut butter or a carrot?! How about peanut butter AND carrot!?" Just like that, Canela has new options that are immensely more interesting than her feud with the neighbor's dog. Offering options is the darkest form of magical power available because Canela never pretends she can't hear me – unlike she always does when I yell no. 

Apologize to your dog when you mess up

Ironically, this morning, I had a disagreement with Mr. Plethora of Opinions. Honestly, I did a terrible job of managing my emotions and scolded him rather harshly. As opinionated as my Dobie boy is, he's also a complete sweetheart and very affectionate. He has a sensitive heart, so I must head over to his crate and apologize for losing my temper earlier. When I apologize, his eyes light up, his ears flop down, and he asks for kisses– don't tell me that dogs don't understand an apology!

And so, dear reader, I'll leave it at that because I have a cute bugger I owe an apology. I can't wait to give him a big hug and kisses!